Maybe I'm just stressing too much, but I feel totally overwhelmed today. This last treatment hasn't been too bad. I have been really fatigued, but not sick. 5 more to go. 10 weeks to go.
We are driving to Fargo tomorrow because my son (Bear) is participating in a baseball competition on Saturday. I know that it will do me good to get away from the house and see something besides the base, but I am feeling very nervous about the trip. I haven't been that far away from the house in a long time, and the long car ride (5 hours) is making me stressed. I don't really even like being in the car long enough to go into town these days. I'm not really one for facing the public these days either; it makes me nervous. I think I have become sort of a recluse the last few months. I am way too thin and I have to wear a wig. This cancer is doing nothing for my self esteem, I must say. And that was never too good to begin with. But I know this trip is important to Bear, so I'll make the best of it. Maybe I'll get a good dinner at Olive Garden. That would be nice.
Sunday morning my SIL is coming in. I love her and I can't wait to see her. But I am stressed because the house is a wreck. I know I shouldn't care, but because I am me, I'm going to stress out about it anyway. That's how I roll. I was always raised to make a show for company. I know what you're thinking; "Why don't you get off your ass and clean then?". And I want too. But I get tired just standing for more than a minute at a time, and I have a serious sensitivity to smells with this chemo, especially chemical smells or anything medicinal. I am going to attempt to clean my bedroom and bathroom tonight at least.
About a week ago our dryer broke. So there is a mountain of laundry in the laundry room, and we are air drying our clothes that we really need. Which means that all of our clothes and towels are crunchy. Sweet.
I know this sounds like a lot of whining, and it is, but I guess this is the only place to do it. Isn't that what a blog is for? To say what you can't really say in real life? And no, Wonderdad, I am NOT blaming you or anyone else for anything. I know you are doing the best you can, and you are fantastic about everything. I am just venting. So please don't get upset.
T, please forgive me for the state of our home (and me) when you get here. And for the crunchy towels. Sorry.
Please God, let me get my life back soon. I can't take too much more of this.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
I hope it's just today
Posted by Military Mom at 8:01 PM
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4 comments:
Indeed that is what a blog is for! Vent away, my friend, vent away!!! But you know, if your SIL were coming to see your house, she wouldn't care if you were there or not. She's obviously coming to see YOU instead of the house. Cut yourself some slack; you're going through chemo. No one is going to expect you to pass the white-glove test.
Also! Regarding chemical smells, etc -- I use microfiber cloths with just tap water to clean most of my house. And I have a steam mop for my floor (just don't drop it on your foot -- owee) that cleans with just tap water. They get the house really, really clean, but with no smells. When you're stronger, you might want to look into these things. They might help.
Take care of yourself, and rest up. The most important thing right now is getting you better.
Yes you can handle it. You are strong, this is just a moment in time. The treatments are awful but working. Know that I am and many people are praying for you and the whole family as this is a family thing. Everyone knows the situation and I can't believe anyone would expect to see things in order right now. If they expect that then it is their issue to get over. Please don't worry..(I know easy for me to say.) I know SIL will understand and not judge, she loves you too. Try to not stress too much. I hope the weekend is good also for you and for everyone! Hug Bear for me and tell him Grammy says "good job!" Can't wait to see you in July!
I love you, Mom
It's really hard to be so sick. If anyone can make it, I know it is you. You have an amazing spirit that chemo can't kill. I love you.
Dani
How was the long car ride to the game? Hope is was better than driving an old leaky Falcon from SC to GA. Have not seen a posting in a while. Wondering how you were. Hope you do not mind, but I have been peaking in on you. Give us a post or email.
As Spock Said... I have been and always shall be your friend.
Tim-o-t
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