Longest Week Ever

Classic Hodgkins Lymphoma.



Apparently, if you have to get lymphoma, Hodgkins is the one to get. Most sucessful treatment. Responds well to chemo. Why does this all not really make me feel better?



Cancer is an ugly word and I have a hard time saying it out loud. I have a really hard time telling my friends and family about it. Lucky for me my husband is better at breaking bad news. My poor mother was a wreck.



Now comes the endless questions. What will the treatment be like? Where will I be sent for treatment? What does this do to my military career? How will I look with no hair? How will I take care of my kids if I am sick all of the time? And how will my husband handle having a sick wife?



Part of me thinks it's trivial to worry about things like hair and my career. I should only focus on getting better, right? But I worked hard to achieve my rank and status in the Air Force. What use is a person who cannot deploy, and will have to miss a lot of work? Is it worth their while to keep me? This is my livelihood; our lifestyle. My life's work. And it means a lot to me. What am I if not a military sergeant? All I've ever done besides that is make pizza and answer phones.



And if you think hair is trivial, really stop and think about how it would feel to not only lose your hair, but have to face everyone you know day after day. I can't just take leave for months on end until it grows back. How would you feel? Or how would your wife feel? It's acceptable for men to be bald, but women? My emotions are all over the map. I am sad, but mostly pissed off. OK, really, really pissed off. I feel totally betrayed by my body. Like it is rebelling against me. What did I ever do to make it so angry? I've tried to be healthy and treat my body right, especially the last 5 years or so. I wish there was a known cause for this, so I could at least point to something and say-"oh, that's what I did. Now you kids don't make that same mistake." Was it because I smoked so long ago? Or because I used the wrong kind of lotion or deoderant? What the hell was it? Air pollution? Cell phone waves? Somebody give me a clue!



Last week was honestly the worst and longest week of my life. A lot of hurry up and wait. This week I have another CT scan (to see how advanced the tumers are), a mammogram, and I get to meet my Oncologist. Also, I get to test for promotion on Thursday (yeah, I'm really focused on that, and I haven't cracked a book to study). Oh, and I now have a really ugly scar on my neck from the biopsy. On the up side, I am really finding out how many friends I have, and how much they care. It is overwhelming how supportive everyone around me is, especially my supervision. And my husband is a rock. What would I do without him?



And this may also mean I could finally get transferred out of Minot. I've been told that Omaha is the place to be if you have cancer in the AF. We'll see. I guess my wish of getting transferred overseas won't happen now.



If I find that this blog gets too depressing, I'll just quit writing. I hate blogs that are just one depressing post after another, and I usually quit reading. Can't blame you if you do the same. I follow another blog where the writer is in the end stage of ovarian cancer, and it is heartbreaking. But maybe if I can use it to vent a little bit, I'll discover the good along with the bad, and it won't get that way. You think?